Guest Post: How to Talk to Your Partner ... About Sex

By Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C

Generally speaking, sex involves two or more people.

What this means for people who want to enjoy their sex life is that they are going to have to communicate about it with somebody else. Telepathy tends not to work in sexual matters any more than it does in the rest of the relationship.

Now, communication is challenging for a lot of people, especially in intimate relationships. This is totally common and normal; it’s a skill we need to learn and develop, not something we’re born with, or, unfortunately, taught before we actually need it.

It can be hard to get your point across and hard to listen to someone else’s points. It can feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, and downright scary.

So now take those feelings and multiply them by 23 or 24 if you’re going to be talking about sex.

That is REALLY scary.

How do you do it?

Get Your Communication Basics in Place

First of all, it’s important to get your communication patterns dialed in if you want to dive into this most sensitive of topics.

If your communication with your intimate partner is mostly bickering, complaining, nagging, insulting, sniping, arguing, debating, raging, criticizing, or any other totally unpleasant possible interactions, you may want to hold off before trying to open up a conversation about your sex life. (If you want some guidance with that, couples counseling is a great option; so is this handy-dandy book, The Couples Communication Handbook: The Skills You Never Learned for the Marriage You Always Wanted.)

Let’s assume we’re starting from a place where your communication is in decent shape. Sure, you have fights from time to time, but your relationship is in good shape, and you want to make it better.

(Note that it is entirely possible to have a loving, connected relationship and still be dissatisfied from your sex life. It’s also possible to be satisfied with your sex life and still want it to be better! Totally legitimate. Let’s talk about how to make that happen.)

Let’s Talk About Talking About Sex

Before you try jumping into the deep end, I like to recommend couples have a conversation about having the conversation.

How do you feel about the prospect of talking about this with each other? I would guess you’re probably nervous, a little uncomfortable, embarrassed; but also maybe you’re hopeful, excited, eager?

Share these feelings with each other: one of you can go first, and the other one should just listen and validate, meaning, let your partner know that the way they feel makes sense. (If it doesn’t make sense to you – “When I think about talking about sex, I feel very hungry” – ask them to help you understand!) Then switch roles and the other one talks while their partner listens.

Talking about talking about it can help you dip your toes in the intimate waters and help you start to feel a little more comfortable with what you’re about to take on.

Say It Out Loud

Another opening trick is to say out loud the following disclaimer: “I won’t laugh at you.”

How scary is it to open yourself up like this? (A: Very.) Most people have never shared these most personal aspects of themselves – what they like in bed; what feels good; what turns them on. SOOOO vulnerable.

It makes sense to be nervous. Who hasn’t been laughed at somewhere in their life? We protect ourselves fiercely against that kind of shame. This is especially true if you think your particular turn-on is weird or gross or just plain unacceptable.

It takes a lot of security to share that with someone. Saying it out loud – “I won’t laugh at you. You’re safe with me.” – that can go a long way towards making this conversation possible.

And if you need it, feel free to ask for reassurances throughout the conversation. “I feel really embarrassed saying this. Are you sure you aren’t grossed out?”

But... What If I’m Grossed Out?

There are fetishes of all kinds out there (and I mean all kinds). What if you are totally not turned on by your partner’s likes? What if it actually grosses you out?

Well, if you’re going to have this vulnerable conversation, it’s a good idea to mentally prepare yourself ahead of time that you may hear something like that. And that’s okay.

The point of this conversation is not to get you to do something your partner wants, or vice versa (especially if it’s firmly on your yuck list). It’s to be able to be open with each other and connect, regardless of the outcome. And that will itself make a big difference in your sex life.

Nobody asked to be turned on by the things that turn them on. There need be no judgment on someone for what arouses them. It simply is. And whether or not you want to join in such sexual activity, you can and should deeply value the honesty and your partner is offering you. Where you go with that information is a separate question.

You can respond with, “That’s so awesome that you were able to share that with me. Thank you!” That is not an agreement to engage in any particular sexual adventure. It’s simply an acknowledgement of the relationship between you two.

Imagine how freeing it will be to really be able to say these scary things to each other – and still accept and be accepted by each other!

Where Do We Go from There?

I have no position on whether you need to try some new position, or whatever the fantasy may be. Recall that even if the aim is to boost your sex life, that may or may not include a particular sexual act.

You can’t force your partner to do something that is aversive to them, and likewise you should not go along with something aversive to you. (Of course, you are welcome to try it for the sake of your partner if you’re neutral on it; but being a martyr in the bedroom isn’t going to help anybody in the long run.)

So maybe after this conversation you’ll try X. Or maybe you won’t.

Certainly after this conversation my hope for you would be that it would lead to more conversations, more connection, and more depth in your relationship – sexually, emotionally, spiritually, and elsewise.

A better sex life is not just a function of more toys, more positions, more costumes.

It’s about developing a connection that lets you bring those things int othe bedroom in an atmosphere of trust, security, and connection.

Good communication gets you there.

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C is a seasoned couples counselor in Baltimore, and the director of the Baltimore Therapy Center. For great communication advice, check out his book, The Couples Communication Handbook: The Skills You Never Learned for the Marriage You Always Wanted – the first two chapters are available for free at www.thecommunicationbook.com!