What to do when your wife isn't interested in physical intimacy...

One of the most challenging aspects of any marriage is differences in desire.  It is particularly difficult when the discrepancy is vast.  Not only do you want it a lot, but your wife seems to hardly ever want it.  Even when she does, she doesn't seem to enjoy herself very much.  Here are some ways to help the situation:

1) Ask yourself—what are you doing outside the bedroom?  Sex is not an isolated incident.  For women, sex is part of a greater experience of intimacy.  Physical intimacy should begin far before you enter the bedroom—and by that we mean that loving acts, kind words, help with housework, and some flirtation are good ways to begin the process.  While you may not need time to awaken interest, your wife likely will.

2) Work on your emotional relationship.  How is your relationship in general?  Do you seem to argue a lot?  Are you on the same page with parenting?  Working on your emotional intimacy and closeness may help her feel that she wants to be closer to you physically. If you are feeling disconnected from each other, it's no wonder why your wife may not be interested in intimacy. We have found that working on your marriage often is the key to creating more intimacy in your marriage as the absence of sex is often symptomatic of greater relationship issues.

3)   Are you going too fast?  Are you even trying to please her?  Try to have a long span of foreplay (30-45 minutes) so that she can become sufficiently interested. Ask her what makes her feel good and focus on giving to her. By becoming other focused, you will have both feel more connected.

4)    Ask her if you are hurting her—physically-speaking.  If she is experiencing any genital pain, that is a very good reason why she does not have interest in intimacy Talk to her directly about this and ask for her openness and honesty.  If she is experiencing vaginal pain, she should speak to her gynecologist right away as a first step to solving the pain.  If that does not help, consider seeing a sex therapist.

5) Talk to her about how you feel about your intimate life.  Tell her how much you love her and wish you could connect more on this level.  


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