Surviving Infertility as a Couple
We all know how the script goes: boy meets girl, they fall in love, get married, have children, and they live happily ever after. What happens when your life doesn’t match the above script? For many couples, infertility becomes a completely unexpected deviation from what seems like a normal and typical journey. Rarely is infertility predictable prior to marriage (known structural anomalies being the exception). Often, infertility strikes in the beginning of a marriage, during the childbearing years, and creates stress as well as the first major hardship for many couples.
Fertility difficulties impact 1 in 7 couples in the United States. 40% of infertility issues tend to be female factor, 40% tend to be male factor, 10% are combined, and 10% is unexplained…what does this all mean? It is equally likely that the issue with fertility comes from either partner. Typically, people assume that if there are fertility challenges, then it is automatically the woman’s “fault.” Regardless of who is having difficulty, women often carry the emotional burden of an infertility diagnosis as our culture teaches men to be strong rather than share their emotions.
What is a couple to do?
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Know that this is real. And you are both entitled to have feelings about it.
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Share these feelings with one another as communication is key.
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Decide about what boundaries are important to set with family and friends.
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Figure out who support people might be for each of you and then enlist their support.
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Continue to practice self-care in the form of pampering, exercise or other stress-reducing activities.
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Do things as a couple like travel (especially to places where children aren’t likely to be).
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Make sure to laugh and have some fun, despite having your life being ruled by an ovulation cycle.
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Reach out for professional help or a support group with the disconnect starts to feel too hard to bridge.
Tips:
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Keep lines of communication open
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Know that each member of a couple handles stress differently
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Make sure that “baby making” is not the only activity you can do together or talk about
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Seek out support from family, friends, groups, or professionals
Julie Bindeman, Psy-D is the Co-Director and Co-Founder of Integrative Therapy of Greater Washington, a practice in Rockville, Maryland. Dr. Bindeman's area of specialization is Reproductive Health including infertility, pregnancy loss, post-partum concerns, and birth trauma.