Question: My husband just admitted to me that he looks at pornography. I'm very upset and insulted by this and don't even know how to proceed. I feel like he's practically cheating on me. What do I do???
Response: This is a tough situation! I'm so sorry that you find yourself going through this. Here are some things for you to keep in mind while navigating this marriage crisis:
-
Remember that this is not your fault and has nothing to do with your attractiveness.
-
First, take some deep breaths and calm down. Speak to your husband about scheduling a time for you two to talk about this pornography issue. Agree on a time in the future when you are alone, have time, and are not tired or hungry.
-
Ask him non-judgmental questions about his use. Ask him to talk about this experience and what it is, how long has it been going on, how he feels about it, what his intentions are, etc. For all you know, he may feel guilty and horrified with himself! First let him talk about this experience and his behaviors and then you will get your chance to talk. Give him time and space to talk about this openly with you.
-
Tell him what it means to you. Tell him the meaning that you ascribe to this behavior. Tell him about this breech in trust and your feelings of betrayal. Give yourself the time and space to talk about this with him.
-
Come up with a plan. Does he want to stop? Does he think it's not a big deal? If you can't come up with a solution together that works for both of you or he is finding it hard to stop, seek a professional who specializes in pornography addiction.