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Married With Kids

Q&A: I am 35 years old, married, and have 4 wonderful children.  I love my husband very much and we have a very beautiful relationship.  I love my life and work outside the home.  The problem is that by the end of the day, I'm completely exhausted from work, kids, cleaning, cooking, making lunches, and all the rest of it that I don't have any desire to have sex with my husband.  I'm just too tired.  Once we are intimate, I enjoy myself.  I'm happy and I have a great relationship with my husband, so why the problem with the desire?  What should I do?

Response: Thanks so much for this question.  Wow you have a lot on your plate!  And you, indeed must be very busy with several children to take care of.  There is no doubt that you rightfully should feel tired by the day's end.  As for being a working mother with children and feeling too tired to have desire, I hear this A LOT!  

I believe that everything in life is about choices and priorities.  It might be that you're prioritizing other things over making time for your marriage.  You could think about cutting back some housework, perhaps getting some cleaning help if you can afford, and possibly cutting volunteer and community activities.  After all, your marriage should come above all else.  A strong family is only as strong as the marriage.  

Once you prioritize your husband and your marriage, you should be able to set aside one or two nights per week to head to bed a little earlier than usual and spend time with him.  (If you're too tired at night, why not set the alarm for before the kids wake up?).  

I am a strong believer in setting aside certain nights to spend together.  Just because you are not already in the mood does not mean that you can not get in the mood once you are together with your husband.  

Ultimately, don't wait for desire to strike you-- just head to bed a little earlier than usual, start with intimacy, and see where that takes you.  Remember: Desire does not always come before intimacy.  Intimacy can generate desire.  

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